Adventures in Drywall
We Like Whine
We aren't sure what you thought of our last few articles. It certainly wasn't the type of prose that was envisioned when we started this column. When the two of us were approached with the idea of writing for this magazine, there were unrealistic dreams of fame and fortune ...
The following are topics considered but deemed far too important for a couple of knuckleheads like us to intelligently address.
Politics and polemicsEnron. Where to start? The magnitude of the crimes allegedly perpetrated on the thousands of shafted employees and investors seems to be the perfect subject to rally against. We are so jaded from years of news reports citing examples of the upper echelon of corporate America climbing the bloodied backs of the rank and file in order to reach their own panacea, Enron didn't faze us.
Osama Bin Laden. We are unable to express our feelings on this animal un-edited, thus our silence on this subject.
Mullah Omar. While the specter of a so-called religious leader inciting worshipers to commit murder is troubling, it's not unique. History is littered with different versions of the same play: the Crusades, Ireland, Israel and Palestine, Salem, Mass., etc.
The topic of our shrinking 401k retirement accounts almost made the cut. Upon further deliberation, the decision was made that life is a crapshoot and what else could be expected.
Zero tolerance of weapons at school. Before you stop reading and call the FBI, give us a chance. While it is agreed that school can become a dangerous place for our children given the wrong set of circumstances, some common sense needs to be observed. A case in one of Kevin's local school districts demonstrates this need. A six-year old, straight-A student had a nail clipper fall from his backpack one unfortunate morning. He was not aware of it being there, he wasn't threatening anyone with it and his teacher didn't even want to report it because there was no danger of violence. She was forced to, however. Even though this child had never been in any trouble in the past, the "zero tolerance policy" had to be followed. He was expelled from school. We're sure given enough time and motivation, a nail clipper could be used to kill. Using this same logic, it only follows that a sharpened No. 2 pencil would be the weapon of choice.
Flying. Lately, we consider ourselves among the flying wounded. Before the events of the past year, flying was no picnic. Now, we find ourselves considering chucking it all and moving to the Midwest.
The first arrow we are stringing up is aimed directly at the designers of planes. Apparently, according to their calculations, the average dimensions of an airline passenger are as follows. Height: 5 foot, nothing. Weight: Lets just say Kevin is over average and Bill is under average, and neither of us is comfortable, so we aren't sure of their figures on this one. The thighbone must be no longer than 20 inches or the attached kneecap will be bruised and bloodied from rubbing against the seat back facing you. Shoulder width must be no greater than that of a male figure skater. If you happen to be built like the other 99 percent of American males, the best you can hope for is that the adjoining seat is assigned to a Hooters waitress. This rarely happens, however. Kevin is currently in therapy trying to block from his memory one such trip.
The satanic ticket agent must have had a banner day when he assigned two, 6-foot, 6-inch, 300-pound linebackers to be Kevin's seatmates on a two-hour flight. The three were forced to practice synchronized breathing for fear they would blow out the sides of the plane.
A sick jokeAirport security. We are glad strides are being made toward that end. However, our greatest fear at this juncture is of being infected by some rare or possible deadly type of disease or fungus. A frightening spectacle was viewed this week. We observed one of the new federal screeners checking passengers for a period of two hours. He understandably took advantage of protecting himself from the horrors of what would be encountered while rummaging through week-old underwear and socks, by wearing rubber gloves.
Next came the internal and external manual inspection of dozens of pairs of sweat-filled wing tips, loafers and Air Jordans. Admittedly, this is not the most pleasant job. However, these are the same latex gloves that were used to rifle through our papers, engage the send button on our cell phones to make sure they really were phones and not some sort of bomb. Laptop computer keyboards, personal bathroom accessories, wallets, etc. I think you get the picture. These gloves were never changed once during this two-hour long barf-fest. It is too frightening to consider how many types of bacteria, fungus and viruses these latex covered fingers encountered during his eight-hour shift.
Being on time. Please don't make us laugh. Somehow, the airline industry has decided if a passenger is on the plane by the designated boarding time, the fight is on schedule. Sitting in the plane on the tarmac does not count. We feel this is the real definition of "fuzzy logic." Here's a crazy idea: Why not count your arrival time as the make or break mark of an on-time flight?
You have to be asking yourself at this point, what did this have to do with drywall? We stated from the very beginning, we aren't that focused. If we are expected to come up with topics that are informative and semi-entertaining, occasionally the trash must be taken out. What you just experienced was our collective minds emptying our recycle bins.
Our usual tag line will be missing this month. In its place, we wish to pass along some sincere feelings. As you have probably noticed, Sarah has continued down life's path. She has been a great friend to us and she will be sorely missed. We wish her success wherever that path leads. Thanks for all the help Sarah, Your Adventuresome Duo.