After sleepless nights of surreal dreams and visions, Kevin, the modern day Ezekiel, spreads the gospel of some new inventions in the blazing world of drywall.



As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I really did like the fame and fortune this forum brought me. I told myself I was way too busy for this gig. But after a few months of not checking in with you all, I felt the need to once again connect with my brothers-in-arms. Plus, I found myself bolting upright out of a sound sleep after being awoken by the same reoccurring nightmare. The sky is falling and it is made out of 5⁄8-inch firecode. Not only am I seemingly the only one who sees this impending doom, but I no longer write for Walls & Ceilings, so I can warn no one.

After weeks of this nocturnal dream-sequence being played out in my already overtaxed cranium, I decided it was a sign. No longer could I ignore my place in the universe. It was my sacred duty to carry on the tradition of burning bridges, snapping at the hand that feeds me and generally carry on with the foolishness you have come to expect. I will do my best to live up to your lowered expectations. On to the meat and taters.

Surf and hang 10

During the hiatus, I spent way too much time online. During one of these sessions, I accidentally stumbled onto a site that had no pictures of girls, obscenely grotesque mutations, UFOs or Elvis. It actually contained information that you may find useful. It was the Web site for a product called the “Boardmate.” No, it wasn’t an ad for finding an online companion. It’s a gadget I feel will earn a place in your toolbox.

Every hanger has had the need of just one (or two) extra hands from time to time. The end of a sheet hanging out over an open stair well, that end you can’t quite reach that drops over the preceding sheet so you have to back-cut the bevel so it will drop into place—we’ve all had it happen. How about the day you have to lid out and your helper is in the throes of Montezuma’s revenge? Well, now there is a helping hand you can count on that won’t cost you an arm and a leg, and it doesn’t drink Tequila shooters. It is a small powder-coated tool about the size of your hand. It screws to the previously hung sheet and has a lip that the next sheet will slide into. It’s a kicked-up version of the old method of driving a screwdriver into the top plate to hold the end of the sheet while solo hanging. When you move to the next sheet, just back out the screw and repeat. It even has a hook attached to hold your screw gun. If you want to check it out, the URL is www.boardmate.com. As always, the review of this product was done with the utmost objectivity. Hours upon hours were spent testing and reviewing the data. No money changed hands, no islands were visited, no cars leased in the name of a dummy corporation to be driven by this Adventurer. Oh, it’s not that I didn’t try, they just would not go for it.

Long and luscious

Next, some unfinished business. A few months ago during the time of putting the finishing touches on the T-shirt article, I received a package from Duluth Trading Co. These are the folks who made a fortune getting you to use spackle buckets for more than skeeter breeders. Does “BucketBoss” ring a bell? Sent was a sample of the company’s Longtail T. Since it was submitted for the contest sans logo, it was ineligible for the contest. However, it is a very high-quality shirt and has withstood the abuse I have inflicted. The fact it is 3 inches longer also makes this a shirt highly desirable for tradesman, their co-workers and their customers. Lest they inflict upon the innocent deplumbor fragor, or “plumber’s butt.” The folks at Duluth state it is a hot seller and sent along some fan mail the shirt has received.

“I think your extra Long T is the funniest thing to come along in a long time. I applaud your tongue-in-cheek effort to help those who suffer from too much information on the backside.”

“Thanks for making the Longtail T shirt. As a woman who enjoys men, I must admit it’s better to conceal than reveal.”

And finally, “Since I have so many short t-shirts, do you sell a product called Butt Crack Spackle?”

Nice job guys, once again making money off a simple idea. Did I mention I made pouches for my empty buckets years before hearing the name BucketBoss?

Really, it is nice to be back if only on a limited basis. I did miss the interaction with the troops. As always, feel free to send your fan mail to Adventures in Drywall, c/o John Wyatt at wyattj@bnp.com.

And remember: All things considered, drywall isn’t a bad life! W&C